You Knew What You Were Signing Up For.. So Shut Up
Are you a first wife who’s been told you have no right to be jealous—because you agreed to stay?
Or a second wife who’s been told, “You knew what you were signing up for”?
Or maybe even a fourth wife—silenced with a subtle look or dismissive comment like, “Why would you be jealous? You’re the last one. You should be thankful.”
I’ve heard all of these.
And I’ve sat with women who’ve heard worse—over and over again.
Women who muster the courage to go to therapy, hoping to process and understand the waves of jealousy they feel… only to be met with a quiet smirk, a sigh, or a clinical question that cuts straight to the bone:
“Didn’t you choose this?”
“Didn’t you accept this arrangement?”
And just like that, the door to healing is slammed shut.
It reminds me of something I experienced after giving birth to my first baby, Yahya. It was my first night in the hospital. Everyone had gone home. I was alone, sore, unsure of myself, and desperately exhausted. I pressed the nurse button and said, with tears in my eyes, “I’m so tired. I don’t know how to sleep. The baby keeps crying.”
She looked at me, half-smiling, and said sarcastically:
“Welcome to motherhood.”
That moment stayed with me. Not because of the words, but because of the tone. That cold, dismissive energy that said: “You brought this on yourself. So now you’ve forfeited the right to feel anything about it.”
I see the same thing happening with women in polygamy.
As if by agreeing to a marriage dynamic that involves another wife, they have signed away their humanity.
As if saying “yes” to polygamy means saying “no” to pain, grief, longing, insecurity, confusion.
As if emotional struggle is no longer valid because the contract was signed in full consciousness.
But here’s what I’ve learned—through my own experience, and through the stories of hundreds of women I’ve coached:
🧠 Psychologically, this kind of response is called emotional invalidation.
It is subtle. It is socially acceptable. And it is deeply damaging.
According to Salovey and Mayer’s (1990) research on emotional intelligence, when we suppress emotions—especially the complex ones like jealousy—we create inner tension that weakens our ability to think clearly, to connect deeply, and to make sound choices. Suppressed emotions don’t disappear. They harden. They twist inward. They isolate us from our own bodies and silence our inner voice.
And jealousy… let’s talk about it honestly.
Jealousy is not proof that you’re weak. It is not a failure of faith. It is not a sign that you shouldn’t be in this marriage.
It is a signal. A sacred, God-given signal that says:
“Something inside me needs attention. A boundary has been crossed. A need is unmet. A part of me feels threatened or invisible.”
When I began to stop apologizing for feeling jealousy, I didn’t become a worse wife. I became an honest woman.
A woman more connected to herself.
And slowly, a woman in deeper peace with Allah.
So how did I do it? Let me share with you—not from a textbook—but from the messy, real, spiritual trenches:
🌸 1. I questioned every single belief I had ever absorbed about what I was “allowed” to feel.
🌧️ 2. I cried out my ignorance. I wept for the moments I gave others power over my emotional existence. And then I forgave myself.
🪞 3. I sat with my jealousy. Not to shut it down, but to hear what it had to say.
🏡 4. I treated it like a guest—sometimes a rude one—but still worthy of space and dignity.
💗 5. I asked my body: Where do I feel this? My stomach? My throat? My chest?
⏳ 6. I gave myself time. Jealousy has layers. And healing doesn’t arrive on command.
🎯 7. I asked: What do I want? What do I need?
🫶 8. I asked: Can I give this to myself?
🌿 9. I asked: Where else—besides this man—can I receive this need? From family? From an activity? Create it myself?
💝 10. And the one that challenged my ego the most: I gave the very thing I was aching for to the person I wanted it from. Yes. Gave it.
🗣️ 11. And finally: I found the words to express it. With grace. With honesty. With boundaries.
I now believe that most women suffering in polygamy are not victims of the structure itself.
They made themselves victims of the narratives they were fed.
Narratives that told them that once you accept polygamy, you lose your right to feel.
Narratives that told them that to be “righteous” is to be silent.
Narratives that confuse numbness with sabr.
But I also believe… that these narratives can be broken.
And it starts by saying:
“Yes, I chose this. But I still feel. And that is okay. This is narrative that I can rewrite”
Because choosing strength does not mean denying your softness.
And walking a hard path does not mean surrendering your soul on the way.
🌷 So to the woman who’s been told to shut it down:
You are not too much.
You are not broken.
You are simply awake.
And that is where healing begins.
✨ If anything in this piece spoke to your heart—
If you’ve ever felt like your emotions were too much, too loud, or too inconvenient to name—
If you’re tired of being told that choosing this path means you’ve lost the right to feel or to speak
Then I want you to know:
You don’t have to walk this alone.
In Queens of Freedom membership, we don’t silence pain.
We study it. We sit with it.
We unpack it, cry through it, laugh through it, and transform through it.
It’s a space for conscious women walking the path of polygamy—with all its complexity, beauty, and emotional terrain—to come together and learn how to lead themselves with clarity, truth, and heart.
🧭 If you’re ready to stop suppressing and start understanding…
If you want to move from confusion to clarity…
📩 Click the link at the end of this blog to join us inside Queens of Freedom today. You’ll get instant access to all our courses, workshops, and a front-row seat to every upcoming live event tailored for members- only. We can't wait to welcome you in.
Your feelings have wisdom.
Your story has power.
And you deserve a space to rise with both.
