Boundaries: All You Need To Know
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Before I dive in, I want to bring your attention to something really important.
Majority of my content is obviously based on my perception, personal daily experiences, from the knowledge I obtain from other platforms such as books, YouTube videos and courses. We are human and not immune of making errors.
I always like to encourage my readers to trust their intuition before they take action of any advice. Do further research. Take what will benefit you, and leave the things you that don’t fit your feet
. Trust your heart. your heart will always bring you to the light.
Boundaries….
Failing to emphasis on the importance of healthy boundaries with people in our lives can cause major issues in our adulthood. In many cases can result in lacking the confidence in speaking our truth.
One of the things that fascinates me, is that growing up in a religious household, I learnt a lot about Prophets and their journey in life. The stories were always narrated in a repititive and cherry picking format. Not only that but told in fairy tale, mythical approach. Although it is admitted publicly that these stories are real and that they immensely are believed in, the delivery in their narration says otherwise, The preachers usually separate the listener from the story to create a duality, a separation between you and the character. So there are subliminal messages that are signalled to the listener that these hero’s that have been starred in the Holy scriptures are far from you. They do not allow you to relate to these characters. Very few preachers explore the deeper meanings. And I have decided to be from one of those very few preachers,
Whether you believe in Prophets or not, that’s not the point. What we can draw our attention to is to the lessons that these stories teach us. The exact same way a movie or mythology delivers a message. If you watch a movie for instance, you will see and understand the scenario in a way that relates to you.
I find it really important to revive as well as re-explore these stories with a modern approach to accommodate todays youths consciousness in a flexible and subtle manner.
The most important thing I have come to awareness to is that one of the first steps all Prophets took on their journey was the journey of setting boundaries with the closest people to them. Coming from preconditioned societies, told what to believe, they stood strong amongst all their haters and the people who envied their success. They stood in their true soul path, and spoke their truth and delivered the true meaning of standing in their power.
Once we start becoming aware about speaking about how we feel, what we like or dislike, and how we expect others to engage with us, we open our hearts and create love and peace in the way we treat one another.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are a set of rules or guidelines where you openly communicate and emphasis on personal values as a way of preserving and protecting them from being compromised or violated (Wikipedia). It helps you define what you are comfortable and what you’re not comfortable with.
However, Christina Lopes a spiritual life coach said something really amazing in one of her videos. She mentioned that she prefers to use the word rules of engagement rather than boundaries. I totally agree with that definition. It feels soft and subtle to the ear.
Boundaries challenge you at stages in life to see if you will allow others or even circumstances to violate your inner peace, and to also see how you would respect other peoples boundaries. Are you going to treat others the way you’d like to be treated?
What boundaries are not
Boundaries aren’t a wall that you build, in fact this could be damaging to you and your relationship with others. It isn’t either black or white. Imagine it being opening hours of a restaurant, or a beautiful garden gate with a sign of rules, or a gym membership with different subscriptions. There’s flexibility. They aren’t only about saying no. It goes on a much deeper level than that.
Who do I create boundaries with?
Yourself
The first person you set boundaries with is with yourself. You begin to speak to yourself on what you will allow and not allow yourself to do. This can be on anything that resonates with your beliefs and core values. And weigh these boundaries on a balanced scale. Once you reconcile with yourself you will be able to move to the next step which is setting boundaries with people.
Strangers
The easiest way to start setting boundaries are with strangers because it’s more likely for strangers to expect this kind truth, and in many cases you both don’t have a bond or a relationship that could potentially create hard feelings. If you’re in a restaurant and you order food that turns out to be too salty, set a boundary with yourself that if you don’t like something you’re going to speak up and say you dont like it because it doesn’t meet your expectation. The stranger, to you, who is the chef or waiter, you’d easily be able to communicate these requirements without shame or guilt because this is something that is expected and probably regularly happens in restaurants and no hard feelings are built on either side. Even if the chef gets offended at that moment it isnt’t likely something he’d hold in his heart because it probably happens often where customers are dissatisfied. . You will either get a full refund, or your meal will be re-made to suit your expectation. This will open the doors to your comfort, and the more comfortable you’re going to start feeling, the more you’re going to realise all the amount of times you let things be brushed under the carpet.
Colleagues
The next stage is a tad challenging than strangers, but much easier than close relatives and friends. Most people have general boundaries set at work anyway, for example the boundaries you have with your colleague are different to the boundaries you have with your partner. Setting your boundaries at work is necessary because you spend a large amount of your time with colleagues. You will meet all sorts of people from multi-cultural backgrounds, most possibly you don’t share the same values and beliefs which is totally fine, but our differences can create unconscious crossing of boundaries without us realising.
For example, in many cultures, it is ok to be touched or grabbed by the arm from strangers, and nothing negative is meant by it. If you feel uncomfortable for one second by a colleague that’s done this and you let it slip because you know they didn’t mean anything by it simply because it’s their culture, and you couldn’t speak up because you were afraid to hurt their feelings, or embarrass them, or afraid of being judged or to be picked on because they are in a higher position for instance, know that this is the alarm system in your body telling you that this needs to be changed. That’s why it’s important to speak, respectfully what we accept and what we don’t accept. This won’t only show the respect and love you have for yourself, and in return you will be given that respect, but it will filter out genuine colleagues from the not so genuine ones. Later, in the post I will list a foundation on how to explore and communicate setting these boundaries.
Friends
With friends it can be challenging at first especially if you’re someone new to self-awareness and you’ve completely let majority of people in your life treat you the way they want, and you’ve adjusted to accommodate to peoples needs before yours. Once you start changing, and friends around you were used to you in a specific way, this change could create conflict depending on the depth of control. Start with friends who aren’t close to you, the ones you only see every once in a while. For example, they’ve come to visit you in your new place and they start wandering in the house in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and they decide to move a vase that you’ve placed by the window on the table because they think it looks better there. For them to do that you’ve probably allowed it in other circumstances and they’re used to it. In this instance you’d need to step up and say in a polite manner, ‘no i prefer it by the window, could you please put it back’. This is a huge step and takes a lot of courage because a lot of people dont want others to get upset, and it would be much easier to hypocritically laugh and say yh it looks nice on the table, and you can’t wait for them to leave so you can return it to where it belongs, beside the window.
Once you’ve succeeded and built that strength of confidence with friends who aren’t that close you can gradually start moving to your close friends. The change will become visible to your close friends through observation, and witnessing specific scenarios; they are being subconsciously prepared to the blossoming of this new flower. Obviously the boundaries you have with a close friend wouldn’t be to a normal friend. And really depends on what type of person you’re dealing with, and what you’ve allowed in the past. I’m going to give a very common example that happens a lot with girls. Lending each others clothes or shoes. And it always comes to this one precious dress or outfit that we just don’t to lend, which is totally fine. A typical scenario would be that you’ve bought a new dress, your friend has seen it, and months later asks to borrow it. You’ve been saying ok for the last 5 years to things you didnt want to say yes to, what makes today, this time, this particular dress any different?
Family
In many cultures, family is seen as everything and that huge sacrifices need to be made when need be because these individuals are family. Religious teachings emphasis on family in an extreme misunderstood manner. Some peoples lives end up going down hill because of this belief. There is an element of truth to the fact that families are for one another, but they aren’t EVERYTHING. As humans we tend to take the extreme side of positive advice that takes us on a negative path.
There’s someone I know who used to always go out of her way to help her family, more emotionally and legal paper work etc. It was a household that had addictions, siblings in and out of prison, and she was the main person all the responsibility was thrown at. It started from a young age, and went on for years. When problems started, they were minor but ended up escalating. It would interrupt her peace, her studies, and many aspects of her life. There was a point in where she would get a panic attack if somebody from her household called her because she didn’t know what chaos was coming next and what had to be her responsibility. At the time, she saw this as love and protection for her family. She saw it as being helpful and kind, and this is what families are for. And that if she decided to close the door on the hurricane and say no, its could be seen as taboo in culture and religion as a form of disobedience and disloyalty.
It can be misunderstood when you say no or try to object about something; whether it’s expected from you to accommodate them every time they need to, whether it’s helping them emotionally or financially at a time where you’re incapable of. The major obstacle I would say with family is the beliefs we hold. Once you break free from this ideology, you will begin to see things on a wider perspective. When I started setting boundaries with close family members the idea itself made me feel bad or like I was doing something wrong. In a journey of self-healing and awareness one should never feel shame or guilt, if they feel like they can’t or don’t want to do something.
With family there can be a sense of control, a sense of ownership because you are blood, and a lot and severe compromises would easily be made and in some cases this goes into a cycle of abuse from very mild (unnoticeable) to extreme abuse. A common one would be that your parents would enter your room without permission, or they’d allow your younger sibling to use your stuff for instance. In some homes this is seen as completely normal, and objecting could be seen as being selfish, and as you grow you live this kind of lifestyle even if deep down you don’t agree with it. In extreme cases, depending on the level of boundaries violated, a person would be too overprotective over their belongings to an extent that is unhealthy as a defence mechanism of what they couldn’t handle.
The problem I discovered is that growing up has already been conditioned and programmed that parents know it all, we care about you the most, we want and know what the best is for you, and the cherry on the top would be obviously, if you don’t do xyz you will
Regret it
God will punish you or be displeased with you because you disobeyed your parents
Don’t come running back for help if you fail
The threats have already been weaved into the subconscious mind by the people that first held you, and the severe it was the more challenging speaking your truth, expressing your emotions and being yourself with everybody in your life would be.
Parents in general believe they have an ownership over the child and believe that the child owes them. This doesn’t mean that your parents are bad human beings in fact the reason they do this is because they genuinely believe in their vision and there was either false information or lack of knowledge in the understanding of what a guardians role is.
Children
Omg. This one is so important. It doesn’t matter if this is your own children, or children in your life. However, I’m going to emphasis on your own children. The perception of parenting over the years has changed drastically. But as humans we loose grip of balance and tend to take the extreme side of things. Our obsession with being a good parent hits the roof, makes us act on what we think is being a good parent which ends up letting go of our boundaries for temporary peace of mind, or a gratification of being able to say I’ve done all I can.
I’ll tell you a story that happened to me recently. I see my son on the weekends. Because you spend less time with them, you feel like you want to bring the world to their feet, and do everything they want and lets be real, that’s not possible. You end up asking them constantly what they want, and they start building this idea that you can and will do everything they want and say, and if it doesnt go their way you’ll see sadness or disappointment in their energy. I was out with my son, and after a full day of going out, I needed to do some work so i chose a place where i could work for a little whilst he played in front of me in a big play area. Then he asked me, what are you going to have? And i said coffee, and he made a fed up face expression; i didn’t have an explanation do why he did that, automatically without thinking i felt guilty because i thought maybe he prfers if i didn’t work, and we should do something else. I then asked him, what do you want to do? He said, I want to meet up with cousin so I went out of my way calling my sister who wasn’t answering repetitively which was already a sign for me to go with what my insulation was telling me. I felt this conflict inside of me and that I was giving away energy I didn’t have. I didn’t feel like meeting with anybody that day, and I felt guilty if I’d said no, I’m going to sit here for a bit, do some work, and next week we can arrange to meet up with your cousin. I realised that because I’d had a wrong understanding for being attentive to your child needs, and that if i’d said no it meant that I was neglecting him. This wasn’t true, in fact I was neglecting myself.
Moral of the story is that setting boundaries with your children is really important. Just like you’d communicate with an adult, you’d communicate with your child and enlighten them about what you can and can’t do, what you like and dislike, ofcourse by choosing the correct choice of language when speaking to a child depending on their age and level of understanding. I disagree with the idea that a child can’t see Mum or Dad fail, or unable to do something. If your child wants you to buy something that isn’t a necessity, and you are on some sort of budget, saying I don’t have money for it for example wouldn’t be the wisest thing to say: they’ll either assume you’re lying because on your way home you’re going to do some grocery shopping so they’ll say in their heads oh i thought she said she didn’t have money. Also, they’ll start worrying about whether they are financially stable with you and they’ll hesitating about the next time they need something which could be necessary. The best thing to say would be ‘I would love to buy/do that for, but now isnt a good time’ so you’re letting them that you can do xyz but just not now, or what they’re wanting now isn’t as a priority as other things for instance. There’s a great book called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry and she spoke about this in detail, I suggest reading her book.
Partner
Wow. This should have been at the top of the list because of how important it is. With a partner it’s completely different. Firstly, because all the other people I’ve mentioned you don’t share a huge part of your life with them like you would with your partner. When you’re in a relationship you’re basically going to live 3/4 of your life with this person, so if each one of you don’t communicate what you’re boundaries are life could be a lil rocky, and a lot of stressful and unnecessary sacrifices are going to be made which overtime can pile up and cause a strain on the relationship.
For example, your partner has a habit of helping themselves to your plate in a way that you see or feel is impolite. And i say ‘the way you see or feel’ because this doesn’t mean that this act is impolite it is what it means to you. You don’t have a problem with sharing but you don’t appreciate the way it’s done. You would have loved it if they said, oh that looks amazing can i have some? Or I’m not full can I have a few bites off your burger.
Another example would be that you are at home, and your partner gets a random phone call to see his/her friends. You dont mean to be controlling or that you want to know their every move but you would love them to give you that value and respect by notifying you that they’re going out. I’ll give you a small example which I learned about myself. We have a cat, and he needed some cat food. Whilst I was in the cat room cleaning the litter etc my partner wanted to surprise me to get food as quickly as possible. During those 10 mins my cat decided to do a wee in the living room because I was cleaning the litter. I started calling my partner constantly, and i thought he couldn’t hear me and I got frustrated. I calmed myself down, and figured that he went to get the cat food. When he came back, I thanked him and vulnerably told him what happened and that I would appreciate if he could tell me if he’s going to pop out especially at times where I’m expecting him to be there.
Sometimes, you don’t know what all your boundaries are, they differ from person to person, and you start learning about them as you go on in life.
Signs you’re not setting healthy boundaries
Repetitive pattern of people doing things you feel uncomfortable with
Feel obligated to do something for someone
Hesitate whether to say yes or no
You deeply feel the opposite of what you say and do.
Go out of your way to change things last minute
Pleasing people is more important than your comfort
Feel shame or guilt when communicating your boundaries
Fear of rejection
Fear of judgement
Helpless
BALANCE- love and wisdom
It’s not black and white. It’s colourful
The scale I love to use with anything in life is the scale of love and wisdom and I’m still mastering it.
When you set rules of engagement (boundaries) they need to stem out of love for yourself rather than fear or anger or escapism.
IMAGINE: having the key to a door that you’ve gently closed then locked with the key. You can open and close it whenener you want, when you are available.
On the other hand imagine slamming the door shut, locking it with a key, then throwing the key out of the window and that the door is permanently closed. You can no longer open it when you want, and even if you change your mind, the process of opening it will become difficult. Can you see the difference?
Although the result is exactly the same the route is completely different.
With the first example, if there is a knock on the door, you will be able to decide when and to whom to open the door, and sometimes you will open the door to those who you don’t want to let in, but at least you are be able to face them, speak to them, and say sorry nows not a good time. You’ve honoured them, respected yourself and them.
With the second example, you’ve stubbornly closed the door out of anger, or sadness or being fed-up. You will get all sorts of knocks and bangs on the door, you’re either going to be too afraid to respond letting them know you’re behind that door, or you might even shout behind the door and say: go away in frustrated tone. You haven’t opened the door and faced them and rejecting with a smile on your face.
If someone is considered a decent person, they will leave you to it and give you your space but the ones who aren’t will find a way to come in to sabotage. Through cracks in the door, or from the window left open.
Wisdom
It’s true i need to follow my heart, and put love first in any situation however, love (the feeling side) alone can probably take you on a road of confusion. And this is where I love to bring wisdom into any scenario. Say for instance you are somebody who appreciates their alone time in the evening and you’ve set that rule of engagement that nobody calls you after 8 o’clock. Close friends and family know that. But there comes a day where you phone rings after 8 o’clock which could indicate that there may be something serious because usually nobody calls you after that time.
Or you are somebody who speaks their truth honestly and its something you live by and people love that about you, you don’t wait for things to pile up. However, there are times where you’d need to be wise about how and when to speak that truth. You wouldn’t pull your husband on your wedding day and tell them that you were upset with them since last week because they didn’t go with you cake tasting for example.
Think of colours
Rawans story
I was told a story recently that funny enough came in the right time of me writing up this post. We’re going to call this person River.
River was linked to a new job via someone she knows. This person became her friend as well as her colleague who’d been working at this place for some time. Her collegue lived on the other side of Rivers area. River felt the obligation to drive every morning, out of her destination to pick up her colleague from her house to drive to work together as an appreciation for finding River this job. Weeks and months pass by and River is starting to get overwhelmed by this chore. River had to wake up earlier than usual for this journey, she would sometimes wait for her colleague to come out to then suddenly find out she’s driven all the way and her colleague would have forgotten to tell her she isn’t going to work because she’s sick. On other days River would be late for work because her colleague slept in and therefore River had to wait for her to get ready and come down. She found herself paying excessive amounts of fuel, and her colleague wasn’t participating in the cost. On the days that River couldn’t go to work, her colleague calls in sick. River starts to realise that this isnt what she signed up for. She feels stuck. Luckily her best friend comes on a holiday, and witnesses what River is going through. She advises her to make a stop to this and that she should do what makes her feel comfortable.
Now where things can get a bit sticky in dealing with scenarios like this.
The way River dealt with it
River was at work and her shift finished later than her colleagues. Usually her colleague would stay the extra hours so that River drives her home. River didn’t say anything and remained quiet until her shift finished, her colleague says comeone lets go, then River bluntly says yh you can get an Uber. Her colleague is flabbergasted and didn’t know what she was hit with. It created tension between them, and River stopped driving her to work and back home, and they lost that friendship, and stopped speaking to each other.
Who’s fault was it?
Now you might think I might choose one person but i dont like to blame anybody for anything because we don’t know what both their intentions were but what we can do is examine the scenario and fix it so we come out with a win-win situation. According to my experience, I believe that the person who receives more pain in a situation is the one to primarily blame, which in this scenario is River. Hold on, you might be thinking what?
Let me explain why.
First of all, there was no agreement prior. Her colleague didn’t tell her because I found you this job you have to repay me by being my Uber driver. This could be a belief that River had grasped from her society that if someone does you a favour that you must basically be their slave as a form of appreciation. Even if this was the case, River shouldn’t have accepted the offer in the first place if she didn’t reflect to see if this something she wanted to do, or something she would be able to put up with.
How could she have dealt with this?
Reflect
River had to sit with herself and examine and evaluate the value of the relationship, the levels of stress this is causing her, what are the things that bothered her the most, who initiated the idea in the first place: is this something I assumed based on my beliefs which means i need to destruct this belief before it destroys me, or am I someone who can easily be controlled by other people.
Reflection lets you get to the core of the problem. Usually the scenario isn’t the problem, the scenario is a result of the problem. Once i catch the trigger, examine it, and heal it these scenarios will automatically stop happening.
Communicate
River could have easily, with all the love gradually communicated her expectations to her colleague and explain her stress with an open heart and show her vulnerability.
For example: I love to take you with me to work, i enjoy your company, but I would appreciate it if you could notify me if you’re not coming to work instead of me driving all the way to you. Or things are a bit tight financially, and I would appreciate it if you could chip in everyday with the cost of fuel (if this person was to take an Uber it would have been 5 times more per day than what she would pay to River). Or I’m sorry I can no longer do this everyday, it’s putting pressure on my mental health, I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
If River were to use logic only which is the usage of mind like she did originally, it resulted in tension with her colleague, so this means tension at work, even probably from other colleagues if this was to become a hot gossip at work.
If logic and love, like I explained, there’s a higher chance of acceptance and less tension and probably no tension at all if her colleague is a genuine and understanding person.
What if i use wisdom and love, and the person is still holding it against me?
This is where I say the true colours of a person comes out. It doesnt make them bad people, but it becomes apparent what level of consciousness this person is at in that specific scenario, and therefore I can make a decision whether to keep this person in my life or not, or what kind distance they should be at. In some cases a lot of people take a step back, they come to their consciousness and realise they shouldn’t have acted a specific way, and they come and apologise and things go better than they were before.
What you should understand that the process you go through isnt primarily for peoples sake, its for your sake.
You choose love and wisdom because it liberates you and lets you live in peace. If the person isn’t accepting of this then it is their problem not yours.at this point you have morally and ethically done your part.
A lil rocky road:
what to expect and what to do
Before anything, i would love to tell you, you are worthy. Cherish your boundaries even if they are minor, don’t belittle or undermine them.
I’m going to list a few possibilities, this by no means that this is what will always happen. It depends on the persons level of consciousness, their understanding, their background, their emotional attachment and many factors. Also, the way you deal with it plays a huge role in the outcome of the situation
Peoples true colours will come out whether positive or negative.
You will be re-introduced to the same people in your life in a different light.
The people who love for you will stay regardless of the boundaries you set with them. They will eventually understand and except your rules of engagement.
The people who were around for their advantage and what we know as toxic will either stay but keep a huge distance, or they will evaporate from your life.
Don’t be extreme in the way you filter people in your life as if you were decluttering your closet (ie: won’t let them in anymore vs they can stay, or keep vs bin or good list vs bad list).
Be understanding, and take your time with the process of understanding your truth.
How to start?
If I was to wrap up this post up, the number one advice i will give is PATIENCE.
Take care your time…..
YES AS LONG AS IT TAKES
We tend to think we know what we want in a few weeks, and we start pulling people and setting boundaries with them when we haven’t taken the time to even understand ourselves.
Take a deep breathe… and journal
SELF-DISCOVERY
Always set the intention before journaling on what you want to know about yourself. There came a point at my life where I didn’t know whether to say yes or no to my partner when he suggested to go out for a drive because i wasn’t sure if it’s what i wanted. I was between the yes and no.
How to communicate?
I like to think of communication as piece of art because every culture is different, and we all have different codes of interaction.
I am a strong believer in intention, and the intention behind any conversation you’re about have is important.
There are however basic guidelines when it comes to the etiquettes of communication
Intention (needs to stem from the heart and not the ego)
Be authentic (honest and open)
Express gratitude to this person (mention one or a few things this person has done for you)
Then address what behaviour/s you disliked
Express your feelings about it (using i felt xyz when you did/said xyz) rather than accusation (i hate it when you keep doing this, you always do this)
Address how you prefer and expect to be treated and how happy it would make you (i would be over the moon if you put your laundry in the basket) (i would appreciate it so much it if you notify me before you want come round)
Be aware of your tone and body language (practice your speech in front of the mirror a few times if you find it challenging to control your tone)
LISTEN- if you are the one who’s started the conversation, ask the person that you would appreciate if they listened to you til the end, and that you will listen to what they have to say when you’ve finished. And LISTEN to them without interruption when it’s their turn to speak
No Judgment
No unwanted advice
what if the person is doesn’t stick to our agreement?
Re-examine the importance of the boundary
Depending on the severity of the boundary violated you have to start learning to take wise decisions that suit you after you’ve weighed the situation on scale of love and wisdom
Difference between boundaries and compromise
I would like to think that comprise is based on free-will. It means that I have the full control to decide that I’m going to let the violation of this boundary to slip. It doesn’t have to be major. For example, you and your partner have agreed that any dishes will go straight in the dishwasher. You come back from work tired and find the sink with a few dirty dishes in it. You automatically assume the positive that probably the time they were meant to put the dishes, your child was in the bathroom doing something suspicious and therefore the safety of the child became a priority than putting the dishes in the dishwasher.
There are times where we can let a specific boundary
Psychological benefits of boundaries
Self respect
Self love
Understanding other peoples boundaries
Manifests letting go and forgiveness
Manifests focusing on the self
Heightened awareness
